September 10 2012 – Noooo

Noooo

An audition. Three INDUSTRY FETUSES, early 20s, if that, seated at a table, extreme downstage, backs to audience. Gender indeterminate/unimportant. Enter a PERFORMER, 40s. Good-looking, but not trying to look younger. PERFORMER stands centre, faces FETUSES, waits.

1
Noooo

2
Noooo

3
Noooo

1
Noooo

1 AND 2
Noooo

ALL THREE
Noooo

Pause. PERFORMER awaits instruction.

1
Maaaybe?

2
Noooo

3
Promise.

2
Noooo

1
Potential.

2
Noooo

3
Pathos?

2
N-?

Beat. They all cock their head to one side. Beat.

Possible.

1 AND 3
Greeeat

2
Longshot

1 AND 3
Yeeah

2
Unlikely

1 AND 3
Nooo

2
Still

Beat.

Ready?

1
I’m ready, are you ready

3
I’m ready, are you ready

2
I’m ready, are you ready

1 AND 3
I’m ready, are you ready

They repeat endlessly, overlap each other, it disintegrates into cacophony. Suddenly cut off by:

2 (To PERFORMER)
Can you slate for us please

Almost imperceptible moment of hesitation, PERFORMER breathes in to respond but-

1 AND 3
Great

2
Sooo you know the action

PERFORMER starts to respond.

1 AND 3
Great

2
Soooo great So just do the action Just on “action”.

PERFORMER nods. Is ready…time passes…

2
That was action I said do the action on “action” The “action” was “action”

1 AND 3
Woooow

1
Wow

3
Just wow.

1 AND 3
Woooow

2
No problem No big deal I’m not mad It’s not important We’re not angry with you We understand We don’t judge It isn’t over We aren’t furious with you We haven’t written you off You need to relax Just jesus don’t cry We don’t fucking hate you Let’s just go again Are we ready Just calm down just calm down just-

Continues underneath

1 AND 3 (When 2 says “ready”, angrily shouting it to PERFORMER as 2 repeats the line above)
I’m ready, are you ready I’m ready, are you ready I’m ready, are you ready-

Cacophany, again abruptly cut off-

2
Action

This time PERFORMER is ready: turns head as if hearing something.

And cut

3
Oh shit, I forgot the camera I knew there was-

2
Really doesn’t matter

1
No

2 (To PERFORMER)
That was great

3 (To 2)
That wasn’t great

2 (To PERFORMER)
Just great

1 (To 2)
It wasn’t great

2
Nooo but you gotta say that to them or else they

1
Riiiight

3
Riiiight

1 AND 3 (To PERFORMER)
That was great!

2 (To 1 and 3)
Wasn’t great

1
Nooo

2
I mean look at-

Gestures at PERFORMER

3
Yeeeah

2
40s I ask for 40s and they give me- Euch

1
That is.

2
What

3
That is 40s

2
That

1
40s yeah

3
That’s what that looks like

Beat. They cock their heads, look at PERFORMER. Beat.

2
Jesus

1 AND 3
Yeeeeaaah

3 (Not to anyone)
Can’t believe I forgot the camera.

2 (To PERFORMER)
Okay thank you

1
Thank yooouuu

3
Thank yooouuu

PERFORMER smiles VERY PROFESSIONALLY and leaves.

2
That took fucking forever.

1
You’re too nice

3
Yeeeah

1
You can’t let them waste your time

3
We’re too nice is our problem

1
Because they will

2
Yeaaah

3
Yeeeaahh
1
Yeeeaaaahhh

ALL THREE
Yeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh

Beat.

2
Okay let’s not be as nice to the next one.

Creative Commons License
This work by Ryan F. Hughes is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

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2 thoughts on “September 10 2012 – Noooo

    1. ryanfhughes Post author

      Jennie, when I got the notification for this I thought it was in reference to the horror movie one I just posted. But this is a horror movie of a sort, I suppose. Your singing teacher really enjoyed it over on Twitter. Seemed to think it was a fairly accurate rendition of the audition process. This has made me terrified of opera.

      Reply

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