September 9 2012 – Divine Comedy

Divine Comedy
Lyrics (in ITALICISED CAPS) by Neil Hannon from “Perfect Love Song” by The Divine Comedy

Night. EX BOY and EX GIRL. 30s. EX BOY is drunk, has showed up at EX GIRL’s back door. EX BOY is weaving, exuberant, charming. EX GIRL is amused, annoyed, a bit worried.

EX BOY
I just had to tell you…

EX GIRL
So tell me! It’s late I gotta work tomorrow!

EX BOY
How I was gonna propose.

Beat.

EX GIRL
Oooohhh, I don’t-

EX BOY
Nononono but like I was never actually gonna do this. Like I hadn’t set a date or got a ring or shit, just like. If I ever WAS, I had a plan of how it might of happened.

EX GIRL
It just…I mean I’m CURIOUS but it just doesn’t seem like a good-

EX BOY
It’s reeeallly cooool, and I’m totally over you.

Beat.

For REALS.

Beat. EX GIRL sighs, makes a go-ahead gesture.

EX GIRL
But quick! I gotta get up early!

EX BOY grins.

EX BOY
KARAOKE NIGHT!

EX GIRL (Grinning and shushing)
Neighbours!

EX BOY
FUCK THE NEIGHBOURS, and I’ve got up to go to the bathroom, but I’ve been GONE a long TIME! You’re starting to wonder-

EX GIRL
Karaoke where?

EX BOY
Fuckin Rosario’s.

EX GIRL
Riiight.

EX BOY
Where you’d suspect it the LEAST.

EX GIRL
Riiight.

EX BOY
Cuz I’m SHAMELESS.

EX GIRL
Sssshhhh!

EX BOY
FUCK SSHH, and THEN…then…the start of a song…seems familiar…ooooh that’s that song we really like…do they even have this at karaoke…where is he, he’ll miss it…but then whoooo’s that motherfucker in the tux with a mic in his hand?

EX GIRL
It’s yoooou!

EX BOY
It’s meeee, and

Singing. Badly, drunkenly.

GIVE…ME YOUR LOVE…AND I’LL GIVE YOU-

BOTH
THE PERFECT LOVE SONG
WITH…A DIVINE…BEATLES BASSLINE
AND A BIG OL’ BEACH BOYS SOOOOOUUUUND
I’LL MATCH YOU POUND FOR POUND
LIKE HEAVYWEIGHTS IN THE FINAL ROUND
WHO HOLD ON TO EACH OTHER

EX BOY
SO THEY DON’T FALL DOWN, except you wouldn’t be singing, you’d just be listening.

EX GIRL
Rapt.

EX BOY
Rapt, oh SHIT ARE YOU CRYING-

EX GIRL
No. A little. Yeah. But you should finish-

EX BOY
Oh shit!

EX GIRL
Well what did you think would happen?

Beat.

Finish! Then what.

EX BOY
Buuuh, and then just right before the key change? I’d get the box out.

EX GIRL
The boooox-

EX BOY
The boooox-

EX GIRL
Neeeeighbooours-

EX BOY (On one knee with an invisible box)
MAYBE NOW…YOU CAN SEE…

EX GIRL (Background singer)
Bah-bah-baaaahhhh…

EX BOY
JUST WHAT YOU…
MEAN TO MEEEEE-

EX GIRL
Neighb-

EX BOY
Fuck the neightbours-

Key change. Opens the “box”.

-EEEEEE GIVE! ME YOUR LOVE! AND I’LL GIVE YOU-

NEIGHBOURS (Offstage)
SAY DO YOU THINK YOU COULD POSSIBLY SHUT THE FUCK UP.

EX GIRL
Yes, totally shhhh! Sorry! We’re done!

NEIGHBOURS
We have to work in the morning.

EX GIRL
Yeah, me too. I’m sorry. Goodnight.

EX BOY
I’m not sorry!

EX GIRL swats him. They giggle.

Anyway. Yeah. That was the.

EX GIRL
Very sweet.

EX BOY
Yeeeaaahhh.

EX GIRL
Wasn’t really a place in there for me to answer.

EX BOY
Mm?

EX GIRL
Or to even ask the question.

EX BOY
No…guess not. Like I said, it was kinda just an outline. Never had occasion to…flesh it out. You’dve said yes.

EX GIRL
Just sort of a fait accompli?

Beat.

EX BOY
Can I come in?

EX GIRL
No, you can’t.

EX BOY
But would you have said yes? If I had, ever?

Pause.

You don’t have to tell the truth. Just, here’s your chance to answer.

Pause.

EX GIRL
Would you have had a kid with me?

Pause.

It’s really late.

EX BOY
Totally. Anyway. THAT happened. Goodnight.

They hug.

EX GIRL
Goodnight. You need money for a cab?

EX BOY
No I need to walk a bit. I’ll call tomorrow and apologize.

EX GIRL
No. Don’t.

She goes in. The porch light turns out. He stands in the dark, bouncing to unheard music. Starts to hum a little bit under his breath. Then a sharp intake of breath, and arms up and out in an Arena Rock pose.

EX BOY (To the world)
KEY CHANGE!

Creative Commons License
This work by Ryan F. Hughes is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

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