September 14 2012 – Rodney and Us

THE CHARACTERS in this one sort of remind me of Cathy and Kathy from the Kids in the Hall sketches (to this day there is still a certain type of Office Lady I refer to simply as “Cathys”), so the names got stolen. Though the original Cathys were much kinder souls.

Rodney and Us

CATHY and KATHY, cubicle mates. CATHY enters and they set up for work as they talk.

CATHY
Sorry I’m late.

KATHY
I came in after you! I saw you as I went by the kitchen!

CATHY
IIII know, I got caught talking to Kate, she-

KATHY
Kate.

CATHY
In the kitchen, yes, I had to-

KATHY
Kate…

CATHY
The new one, Kathy.

KATHY
Oh.

CATHY
I had to set her straight.

KATHY
Oh! The new one! With the “discreet” tattoo!

CATHY
That is the one, our own little hardened merchant marine!

KATHY
An anchor, imagine!

CATHY
But Kathy I had to set her straight!

KATHY
What did she do?

CATHY
Well you know Rodney.

KATHY
No.

CATHY
Rodney.

KATHY
In communications.

CATHY
No, Kathy, in the subway, the little man with the dirty Starbucks cup who smells like he is sweating out the pee that he drinks.

KATHY (Shudder)
Ooooh, the one who calls us “ladies”.

BOTH shudder.

CATHY
The very one.

KATHY
His name is Rodney?

CATHY
Yes. Well. That’s what I call him.

KATHY
Well how would you know his real name?

CATHY
How would I find that out?

KATHY
So Captain Kate-?

CATHY
Well! She gave him money!

KATHY
Why!

CATHY
He asked for it! And she gave him two dollars!

KATHY
Two!

CATHY
Two dollars!

KATHY
He asks everyone down there!

CATHY
I know that!

Appalled silence.

KATHY
What did you tell her?

CATHY
The truth.

KATHY
The truth hurts.

CATHY
It’s harsh but it’s…well, it’s the truth! I told her that now he’s going to start asking us all again.

KATHY (Hand out, a weak impersonation)
“Ladies”

CATHY
He hasn’t asked us in weeks-

KATHY
We had him trained!

CATHY
We did! He knew, he knew when he saw us coming, when he looked at our faces, he knew not to even bother asking!

KATHY
He knew who we were.

CATHY
To just ask someone else nearby.

KATHY
He knew who he was dealing with.

CATHY
That was a lot of hard work. Establishing ourselves in that community. I was proud of the work we did! And now she’s thrown it all into question.

KATHY
Thoughtless.

CATHY
I mean you have to tell some people I guess.

KATHY
Not everyone’s a natural.

CATHY
And now he’s just going to be confused.

KATHY
They’re habit-based, for sure.

CATHY
I explained to her that it’s actually a very good living.

KATHY
The truth. The truth is absurd and unfair.

CATHY
That he probably makes more money than we do!

KATHY
I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t heard it from you myself.

CATHY
And she still needed convincing. She had that look?

KATHY
Like she couldn’t believe what she was hearing?

CATHY
Like the last one.

KATHY (Eyes narrowing)
The Last One…

CATHY
But I set her straight, Kate, I told her how it was.

KATHY
…with the body, and the clothes…

CATHY
Kathy! I set her straight!

KATHY
What did you say.

CATHY
I told her to go get her money back.

KATHY
What! Cathy!

CATHY
I know! I told her to march back down there and demand a refund, tell him that he was misrepresenting his…

KATHY
Product.

CATHY
Plight, and to insist on a refund. Make a scene! Make a spectacle! That will set things right I think. That will put Rodney and us back to normal!

KATHY
But do you think she’ll do it?

CATHY (Proud)
You know, Cathy, I think she just might.

They share a smile. Then they turn to their computers and begin typing. After a few moments KATHY speaks, interrupting the typing.

KATHY
You know sometimes I’ll give them money if they have a pet.

CATHY
That’s understandable.

KATHY
Just a dollar or two. I pretend I definitely know they’ll spend it on their pet.

CATHY
We all have our blind spots, we’re human.

KATHY
I just can’t stand the thought of a dog living like that. Makes me so sad.

CATHY
Yes.

KATHY
I’m just a softie.

CATHY
Rodney should get a dog…

Pause.

They resume typing.

Creative Commons License
This work by Ryan F. Hughes is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

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