September 29 2012 – The Bit

The Bit

ADAM and FRANK. Two actors after an audition. It did not go well.

ADAM
Ah well.

FRANK
What a fuckin joke.

ADAM
No, I’m not optimistic about that.

FRANK
Absolute fucker, that time-wasting fucker.

ADAM
He was okay.

FRANK
Fuckin hack pig.

ADAM
Naw.

FRANK
Pig fucker.

ADAM
Naw, I’ve had worse, I think we just-

FRANK
That guy fucked pigs through our whole audition.

ADAM
I think we just didn’t get the bit.

FRANK
The bit?

ADAM
Was the problem.

FRANK
The bit?

ADAM
I thought.

FRANK
Well then you don’t know what you’re talking about.

Beat

ADAM
Well, no, I do.

Beat

See?

Beat

And we just couldn’t figure out the bit. And the whole thing was the bit. And we didn’t figure it out.

FRANK
I think he was too distracted to direct us properly. He just talked over us the whole time, we’re trying to figure out a rhythm, and he’s got no fuckin respect for the actors, the pig fucker, the actors who, incidentally, just met each other, like five seconds before Action – oh, I’m Frank by the way.

ADAM
Adam.

FRANK
Hi- So given all that, a director with any kind of comic sensibility would give us a chance to work it out, or let us feel it out in silence a couple of times.

ADAM
I guess.

FRANK
Fuckin right you guess, but no this guy just nattered at us the whole time, “No, ON action, no, AFTER action, no wait, no look then stand, no stand then look, no go back, no more, no less” while we’re fuckin rolling. That pig dick!

ADAM
I think it just didn’t work, sometimes it just doesn’t work.

FRANK
I think he was distracted by thoughts of fucking pigs.

ADAM
Oh man-

FRANK
I think he rolled out of his hotel bed and kissed the dainty little sow he travels with goodbye before lovingly ladling a bunch of mud over her and heading out the door to our audition.

ADAM
You really want this pig thing to be true.

FRANK
I think he was distracted by thoughts of his wild night throughout our audition. Couldn’t see we were struggling with his inept direction for all the memories of his fair Edwige snorfling hotly in his ear all the previous night.

ADAM
Don’t you think it may be – “Edwige”?

FRANK
Well, what do you call a pig?

Pause

ADAM
Don’t you think it may be more likely that we just fucked up the bit? More likely than the whole…Clive Barker scenario you’ve got-

FRANK
We nailed that bit. It just wasn’t working.

ADAM
If it wasn’t working-

FRANK
Cause of his pork…porky…pig, pig-thing sex problem he’s got-

ADAM
If it wasn’t working then we didn’t nail the bit.

Beat.

Nailed bits? Work. That’s how you know you nailed them.

Pause.

FRANK
Let’s do it now.

ADAM
What.

FRANK
Let’s do the bit now. Without Wilbur here, and we’ll nail it and then you’ll see.

ADAM
Man, it’s done. I’d like to go. I need to get back to work.

FRANK
Let’s nail the bit and then we can wait for him to come out of there and we can do it and he’ll SEE.

ADAM
Okay, later. Best of luck for the four days you’ve got in this business.

Exits.

FRANK
That’s fine, that’s great, you know maybe the reason the bit didn’t work was because of you! Go back to work. Go back to your job fucking your girlfriend the horse. Professional horse fucker! Workplace relationships almost never work, you know! Brace for emotional impact, buddy! I’ll wait here! I’ll do the bit myself! Both bits of the bit. Whatever, I don’t care.

Waits.

C’mooon, lunch. He’s gonna be so surprised.

Takes a novelty pig snout on an elastic out of his pocket, puts it over his own nose. Starts removing all his clothing.

This bit’s gonna be GOOOOOLD.

Creative Commons License
This work by Ryan F. Hughes is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

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