Well I seem to have fallen behind!
The 4th, I had a long evening, and I was going to write two on the 5th and backfill.
THEN I got sick. Which normally wouldn’t be a problem, just a little cold, except, sometimes when I get headcolds, my inner ear gets inflamed and I get VERTIGO.
If you’ve never had vertigo, don’t start now. Once you get over the absolute panic of the world suddenly lurching THIS WAY for 30 seconds or so, it’s mostly manageable. If you have a few betahistine pills lying around to quell the nausea, and reduce the spin, so be it. But it’s actually exhausting keeping your head still and moving as slowly as possible, and being conscious of it the whole time, and bracing for the sickening LURCH every time you think you may have moved too quickly. And it makes things that involve a lot of repetitive head movements or changes in direction exceedingly difficult. I’m looking at you, laundry, and dishes aaand WRITING! The laundry and dishes I had to do, but I decided to be kind to myself and give myself a day or two on the writing, which stretched into three days because, though the spins had stopped by yesterday, I still had a general lightheadedness and hadn’t been sleeping well the past couple of days, etc.
So NOW I am in arrears for 4 whole days worth of scenes, and I had this big plan that I’d write two a day for the next four days and back date those entries and GET BACK ON TRACK, but the next week is looking a bit busy with my birthday, and various things, so that might be hard and THAT DOESN’T MATTER YOU FIND THE TIME, YOU SLACKED, YOU GET BACK ON TRACK, and then I started stressing about it, and then the world lurched THIS WAY for half a second.
Nothing huge, just a little tiny aftershock, and I’m not entirely convinced it wasn’t psychsomatic, but it stopped the guilt diatribe for a second, and I realized: YES I plan to stick with this and have actually MISSED writing these scenes over the past few days. And YES I need to get back on track pretty quick here, but you know what? It’s a REALLY LONG TRACK. I have 11 months to sort this shit out. I am not going to take that long, but I don’t have to fill the holes immediately. I’ll just continue on from today, and as I have time to toss off an extra scene, maybe this week, maybe next, I’ll put it back here and slap one of the missing dates on it. That’s not cheating. It’s dealing with unforeseen circumstances. Which is something writers have to do.
I can look at it as having to write something every single day OR ELSE I’M A FAILURE if I want. But that seems like a pretty good way to paralyze myself. I think normally I’m up for that task, but when I’m not, I can look at it as having to write 365 pieces within the space of a year. Same amount of work, same timeline, just a little shuffling of the internal mechanism from time to time as needed. I think that’s fair, and I can do that.
OR ELSE I’M A FAILURE!